In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
