you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
