i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
