my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
