Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
