I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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