Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
