My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
