they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
