even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
