i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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