I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
