My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
