apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
