her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
