I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
