My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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