he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
