Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i think i just lost a toe
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
