I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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