just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
