I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
