I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
