When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
