I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
