Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
