I am midnight drunk by noon
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
