i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
