Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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