remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
