At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
