My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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