I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
