It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
