i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
