In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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