Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
