When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
