So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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