I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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