no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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