Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Your dad touched me again.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
