Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
