So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
