Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
