Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He passed out mid-signature
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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