Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
