i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
