I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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