i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
and i looked up. we had an audience...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
