I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
