my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
