If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
