Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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