My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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