It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
